Parenting in times of upheaval creates anxiety. Whether a pandemic or something else, here’s how to cope.
Parenting is hard. Parenting when you have anxiety and the world is in the midst of a pandemic or there is some other major upheaval in your life is daunting. No matter what your parenting situation is – raising multiple children, calming a chaotic middle-schooler, nurturing a newborn, surviving as a single mother – the crisis is testing you.
The biggest thing you’re likely encountering is the disruption of routine. For those parents who struggle with anxiety, having a routine is probably one thing you count on to help you feel grounded.
You may also feel extremely lonely at times and like you’re the only parent going through this. More than likely you’ve had moments of fear and uncertainty about when life will go back to normal. You may also be feeling overwhelmed by how you’re going to manage all the changes the upheaval is causing.
These feelings are all valid, but you can take control of how you respond to them. You can navigate the challenges of parenting with anxiety during periods of big disruptions by following a few simple steps.
3 SIMPLE WAYS PARENTS CAN PRACTICE SELF-CARE
Taking care of yourself is MOST important as a parent. You can’t meet the needs of your children until your own basic needs have been met. Here are 3 ways you can practice self-care as a parent:
1. Carve out some space for yourself.
This ongoing pandemic is psychologically brutal. If you have a partner, talk about sharing responsibilities so you can take some time to do the things you need to do – exercise, meditate, relax, garden. Find time for the things that help you recharge and refresh. If you don’t have a partner, be open with your kids about what you need.
Be honest. You can let your partner and your kids know you are struggling – problems arise when you are struggling, and you don’t say anything. If your family knows what is going on they can help take some of the load.
Taking a break is necessary, not a luxury. It’s not a luxury to take time for yourself. You are helping your family by taking time for yourself. When you are more centered, you provide a model of resiliency to your children.
2. Remember nobody is perfect.
Parenting is super hard right now, especially for those with extra demands like single parents, those caring for their own parents, or frontline workers. It’s OK if you’re not OK – you don’t have to get everything right. In fact, I can almost guarantee you will “mess up.” Be gentle with yourself.
3. Create joy.
As you encourage your kids, so encourage yourself. Realize that there are a lot of ways you can serve as a light to others – other struggling parents, teachers, extended family members, neighbors, and friends.
When you get outside yourself, your own problems tend to diminish, and you realize that we share in collective hardship. Thinking about others engages our brain and body in a healthy way.
PARENTS OF YOUNGER CHILDREN
Be straightforward about what’s going on.
Explain what’s happening in clear and direct terms – don’t exaggerate or try to give them “candy-coated” info. You can be honest and realistic. Validate their feelings, fears, frustrations, and confusion. Explain the importance of whatever changes may be necessary and point out ways that you can make the best of it.
Remember that young children are impressionable.
Children model our emotions and reactions. So it’s important to stay as calm as possible when talking to them about things that might upset them. It’s normal to feel stress, but don’t take it out on your kids.
If you feel like your stress level is at a high and you’re about to snap at your kids, take a minute to calm down in another room. Your kids are doing the best they can given the current circumstances and the last thing you want to do is take out your frustrations on them.
Be Hopeful But Don’t Mislead.
Don’t dismiss your younger child’s worries about what’s happening. Young kids may not fully understand the current circumstances when there is a major upheaval in their family, but they sure know their world has been turned upside down.
Encourage Your Children To Help.
Find small ways that your children can contribute to the smoother running of your lives. Give them small meaningful tasks like keeping track of where your keys are, setting the table, or choosing a book or program for the family to enjoy together.
TIPS FOR PARENTING OLDER CHILDREN
Create new routines.
Encourage your children to create new routines and traditions so they have some sense of control over changes in their lives. Your child will likely push back at new limits – it’s OK, don’t overreact. It’s normal for older children to push for independence and chafe at new rules. What is important is to shift from reacting to responding.
Talk about it.
Don’t react negatively towards your kids, rather sit down and chat with them about how and why they are feeling the way they are. Many people assume just because kids are good with computers and technology that they will have an easier time adjusting.
However, direct social interaction is perhaps more important for kids than for adults, as they need peer interaction to develop appropriately. There’s also evidence to suggest that kids may be taking changes in routine at home harder than adults.
Listen and verify their concerns. Share how it’s been challenging for you. Your kids don’t want to test you (though it may seem like it) they just want this thing to be over.
Help your kids take the lead.
Have your kids help come up with some rules and ways to address challenges independently. This can help by putting them in a proactive mode, which reduces stress and increases motivation. It’s important to have grace with older kids and to allow them to take control. They may pleasantly surprise you.
Create new routines.
School, sports, and other group activities may be disrupted. This makes it even more important to put in place other normalizing activities to provide structure. For example, if extracurricular activities prevented family dinners, why not start that tradition now?
Most importantly remember:
- You are strong.
- Your family is strong.
- This too shall pass, and you have a say in how it passes for those you love most.
