Once in a while I get a glimpse of myself in a moment of quiet – when there isn’t anything to do, anywhere to go, anyone to please. One would think those moments would be treasured but instead, I often bring a critical mind to those moments. I begin to think ‘if I am not doing all of those other things, and I am just for myself, what do I do?’ When I don’t have a list of interests or desires come up, I begin to get frightened, criticize myself for not having enough interests, for not having some other list of things to do for myself.
It is these moments that I must remind myself of the Buddhist notion of stillness. This isn’t stillness as in quiet and solitude, though that may be present. It is in fact an internal slowing down to be in a moment. Too often we are riding a moment from behind, pushing ourselves through something; or we may be above the moment, critiquing our performance. We may even be riding out in front of it trying to anticipate hazards before we even encounter them. But like the hostess that can’t eat at her own party, we are not truly experiencing the moment.
Slowing down to be in a moment is to be present without judgement or striving, riding it like a wave on the ocean – all at once on the wave, in the wave, and the wave itself. Perhaps in this stillness we gain information about a direction we may wish to move or find some new curiosity about something we want to know more about or experience more. Perhaps. Perhaps the stillness is the experience.
I recently had the privilege of taking an extended holiday. About the third day, in a lovely setting that demanded nothing of me, I found myself restless, almost agitated. I caught myself pacing and realized the absence of any demand for my attention was so foreign, it felt uncomfortable. Predictably, I brought with me an extensive to-do list of tasks I would accomplish now that I was removed from the daily demands of working. They were all work related, all self-imposed and suddenly, they felt like a barrier between me and being on holiday.
For me, the information I gained there was that I needn’t have a list of interests or things to do. The noticing of what is happening in any given moment is it. Whether I am agitated adjusting to the removal of demands on my attention or whether I am feeling energized engaging in my work, that internal slowing down allows me to identify accurately what is happening. Allowing whatever arises, without judging it as being good or bad, right or wrong – to just be present leaves room for noticing the quality of light around me, the temperature of the air, the sound of birds singing, and the sensation of needing to rest in my body.
I do not suggest that this is a state that I can or even want to stay in all the time. There are times in which there is work to do – and I want to do it. I guess the difference is in knowing that within the doing there can be a kind of stillness that lets me know when I am in it and when I may be trying to direct it, criticizing my doing of it or operating out of fear.
Admittedly, as I learn to be in a moment as opposed to managing it in some way, there is a lot more space to consider what else. Now I just need to ensure whatever the ‘what else’ might be isn’t driven by the habit of comparing myself to others, judging myself harshly and all the rest. For now, I am just sitting with what appears and staying curious about where it might take me.
